|I feel a big rant coming on. read at own risk. To tell the truth I don't really care. I just have to write.
Another day wasted, reading other people's thoughts and feelings about things that shouldn't matter. Don't know how I feel about that. I just know that I need it right now. It fills the void. But it also pulls me further away from reality. I think I need a new work to pull me back. I don't know.
So what completely useless information did I learn today, I hear you ask?
I read the lyrics to Bad and Runaway, which I found a lot more personal than I would have expected. Had fun reading what everyone had to say about them but didn't feel comfortable enough to add anything.
I guess in the end I'm a watcher. If I actually post anything I get nervous and keep going back to see if anyone replied and if it was good or bad.
I don't get that here so much, although I have stopped talking about personal stuff for a while. I felt like everyone knew who I was and that took the fun out of things. But I'm taking it back. I don't care if it's too exposed. If I start protecting myself, like I have lately, this is pointless. I may as well stop or just write for myself.
But there's always a part of me that actually hopes no one reads any of this. That once the novelty wears out people will just go away and leave me to my demons.
It's not nice being stared at and commented on all the time. Which is why I've never added comments to the site :)
If people started to actually have conversations about all this it would freak me out and influence me even further.
I guess this kind of site is the closest thing a lot of people ever get to celebrity. But it's the down side of celebrity. It's the part where people think they know you cause they read what you say and feel they understand you and need to tell you the story of their life. But really it's just as fake as reading all of Brad Pitt's interviews and think 'I know this guy. And if he could only see how much we have in common we would be happy ever after.'
It's just that usually, when people write to me and say 'I think we have lots of things in common' I generally don't see it. There are exceptions, obviously, and it is nice to meet people sometimes that I wouldn't get the chance to, but rule number one is - I'm not a 'people person'. I will sooner hide under the bed than meet someone new. Because getting to know people takes work and it's all about chemistry and whether you actually click or not. And I'm not talking about romantic relationships. With most people I just see right through them and it's rare that I find someone I actually connect with. And if you don't connect, then it's all yellow smiles and the urge to flee. Which is nobody's fault, but it's still there.
Anyway, enough of that.
This is just one of those days... I've been getting a lot of those lately. I feel like I'm a teenager again, all oily skin and emotions out of control. I thought all that was over, and frankly I was happy to be rid of it. But on the other hand I know I had been quite sedate lately. For a while the only strong emotion I had was anger, and then not even that. I feel like I've been asleep for age and now I woke up and am bloody starving!
But it's all consuming and it feels out of control. And I'm a control freak. I had my life all planned out since i was 12. Well, sort of. I've been adding to it. But it has all been according to the plan. And now I'm having all these feelings and suddenly I'm scared shitless and can't go through with what I had set out to do. Like, I don't want to have a kid. I really, passionately don't. It's been freaking me out. I've been desperately trying to find a way out of it that would be easy and that wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings but I couldn't. So I just had to come out and say it. It's just not in me. Don't know if it will ever be.
And the rest is still confusing but there's a lot I'm not too happy with. Some I can do something about and some I can't.
Good thing I have a very understanding husband. In the end, if I had to go through all this alone I don't know what kind of shape I'd be in. I probably would have gone ahead with the mad plan of emptying the bank account and fleeing the country. Just to see if it would work out.
The people who actually know me, know this about me. I'm not happy here. But I was never brave enough to leave, so I can't complain about it. Well, I do complain about it, but I don't take myself seriously.
Aaaaaaaaaahhhh! It feels good to just rant and not care if people find it boring or not. I missed it and it makes me feel so much better!
I have to do it more often.
New movie arrived today. 3 to be exact. Nothing special though. I miss having one those movies I really want to see! There hasn't been one in a long while.
A Tori Amos DVD is finally coming out this month, which I'm thrilled about. It's about time too. I've been waiting for years!
And one of these days I'm going to lose my head, by a plane ticket to the States and go see her live. It's one of those things on my 'do before i die' list.
Which now also includes going to a Buffy Con, but that could blow over and in a couple of months I may not even remember it anymore. I'm sure hubby would approve me passing that one up, especially since I haven't even admitted to his face I'd like to go to one of those :P But I'm sure he knows already :)
And nice hubby will be bringing home a CD with JMs episode in Andromeda. It's good to have something to watch when I'm on obsessive mode. It's so much more fun than when you're just feeling 'whatever'. It's like Christmas when you're ten :)