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Journal :: October 2005 << previous || archive || next >>

03.10.2004 (mon) Awful day. As soon as I got up I decided to take care of the problem with social security. I just wanted to get it over with. So I found the phone number, called and asked to speak to the woman who had signed the letter. I tried explaining what happened because on the paper it said sick leave during to high risk pregnancy and that wasn' it. It was just recovery time after leaving the hospital. But when dealing with bureaucrats is just impossible. The woman did not even listen to what I was saying and just kept asking stuff like if the baby was dead or alive when it was born. From what I gathered (not that she actually explained anything), if the baby was dead before the birth, regardless of the number of weeks or the kind of death, they consider it an abortion and that's the end of it. Which means you're only entitled to 14 to 30 days. If it was alive at birth and then died, you are allowed to stay home for 120 days. I said that the baby was dead but was full term and we had to have a funeral and everything and so she started talking about the 120 days. By this time I was starting to lose it a bit. I said at the hospital she only talked about the 30 days and that was all I was counting on, so she told me well in that case I should also send a letter saying I only wanted the 30 days so they didn't have to pay the other 3 months. I can't handle this. I can't handle people who just don't give a shit, who see nothing in this but how much money I'm costing them. I felt like telling them to fuck off and keep the money. I can't believe that we are forced to pay social security each month and when something happens and have to go to the hospital and then recover from the stitches on top of losing a child and I still have to spend 15 minutes on the phone with some paper-pusher trying to figure out what else they want so they'll pay my salary for the month I'm entitled to. And if I refuse to pay social security because what's the point anyway, they'll arrest me. The world is just fucked. I decided to photocopy every document I have and send everything and let them figure it out. But then I made a mistake filling out the form they sent. I hve a thing with forms. I always mess up. I had even written everything down in pencil first to avoid making a mistake but I still managed to sign on the wrong line. All because I had to look away fro a moment and check what day it was. I felt so incredibly defeated and stupid. So i got dressed and went down to the social security office. You have to take a number and then wait, usually all morning, for your turn. When I got there you couldn't take a number anymore, so I just waited around and tried to figure out if it was going to take long. After about half an hour I realised they were going on number 194 and there were people up to 280 or whatever. I stepped up to the counter and asked if I really needed a number because I just wanted to pick up a form. The forms are free and were just behind the woman. She said no. Then she asked me 'Do you have a baby?' I know that the question was simply because pregnant women and women with babies can go first, but it hurt. No I don't have a baby. That's why I'm here. I should have one but I don't. So I said no and stepped away again. Then she proceeded to call 15 numbers, none of which were there. I eventually gave up and left. I felt humiliated enough for one day because of a stupid piece of paper. I tried not to cry before getting home. I eventually figured out a way to solve the problem, with a correction pen and a photocopy, and if they don't want to take it, I'm not going to care anymore. Because we were both feeling awful, we went out. Some people drink when they feel bad, some take pills or scream at people. We tend to shop. It's a very expensive way to get over things but at least it doesn't damage our health. Just our bank balance. I bought lingerie and pink sneakers and spent what I make in a month (not that it means anything, considering how little I actually make in a month). So if social security actually ends up sending me a check, it has already been spent. ^ Top

04.10.2004 (tue) I woke up in a panic so I did my exercise to try and calm down. It helps while I'm doing it but when I stop it all comes back again. P. is still feeling awful as well and I can't do a thing about it. I suggested going to the beach, just to get out for a few hours. We had lunch and left about 3 PM. It wasn't too hot but it was warm enough and there was no wind, so it was pleasant. The beach was almost empty as well, which was nice. I spent some time looking up at the blue sky and the seagulls that were flying over us. It was fairly surreal because the sky didn't even have any clouds so there was nothing to give you a sense of perspective. It just looked solid blue. Around 5 it got colder so we came home. We spent some time together, trying to reconnect. When something this bad happens it makes it so much more important to feel something that isn't just pain and intimacy becomes vital. But it takes more work to be able to connect when you can't have sex. It just makes it a bigger challenge. It would be easier to drift apart, so I'm glad we make the effort to stay close. At night we went out to rent some movies but I couldn't really find anything I wanted to watch. We had dinner and watched 'Robots'. They didn't bother with a complicated story (it's a cartoon, so they didn't have to) and just made it a sequence of action scenes but it's funny. What I hated was the fact that for some reason this was a Spanish DVD and so they switched the documentary about the actors who do the voices for one about the people who did the dubbing in spanish, like I care. I hate dubbing. Whoever invented dubbing should be shot. I don't speak chinese or german but if I watch a movie in one of those languages, I'd rather read the subtitles than seeing it dubbed. Dubbing ruins the actors' work and should be banned worldwide. The only reason for it is as an audio track for blind people (the same way that there are subtitles for people who can't hear - a feature I actually use a lot because sometimes it becomes hard to listen to dialogue and chew at the same time) but that should be an optional feature and not the main audio. ^ Top

05.10.2004 (wed) I've gone back to having anxiety dreams and I wake up each morning with this feeling that everything is wrong. And then I realise it's true. I feel that my time is up and I should be getting ready to go back to work so I stop feeling so bloody useless but it makes me panic at the same time. I have no idea what to do but I keep telling myself I'm being stupid and should get over it. I keep telling myself what I think other people are thinking about me - that this is all an excuse not to do anything. This should be the one time when I should be able to give myself a break and stop pushing so hard but I can't. I'm just a mess and I'm worried about us running out of money and not doing my part and so on. It's connected to the guilt of not having a child to take care of - if I was busy taking care of my baby I'd have a reason not to work, but like this I'm just a burden. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just stop piling more stuff on? I keep contradicting myself, like I'm two different people. I feel I'll go mad if I can't stop thinking like this. I have a nice husband who is just worried about me and wants me to take it easy but I keep thinking that he has to go to work everyday and deal with it and that I'm taking advantage of it by not doing the same. But then it's not quite the same - I'd have to go get a job (go through ads, interviews and so on) or get new clients. It's not quite the same as getting to the office and just have people pile up work on your desk and then ask you every 5 minutes if it's done yet and, by the way, here's something else. For me to work I have to be able to go look for work and not just let it come to me. I'm not saying it's harder, it just takes more initiative. It means you have to want it and be able to put in the time and effort to succeed. And right now I can't even remember what I did five minutes ago or get through a whole day without bursting into tears at some point. My mind can shift at any moment from completely mundane things to complete desperation without any notice and I never know when it's going to come. Everything takes effort - getting up in the morning, getting dressed, gathering courage to go outside, even if it's just to check the mail, answering the phone and sounding normal. It all feels like a huge effort instead of the perfectly normal things that they are. I hate that. I just want to feel normal again. And I'm also sick of whining about it. But when I feel like this, if I don't write about it and let it out I start feeling like I'm going to choke. I just hope nobody bothers to read it. I don't want to ad the guilt of boring people to death to all I already feel. ^ Top

06.10.2004 (thu) Today I finally got to see 'Serenity'. I've been waiting for months and was afraid it wouldn't even open here, but it did, and only one week after the US opening date. I really liked it. The familiar humour is there and it's basically an extended episode only a lot more stuff happens, it's a bit bigger and more violent. But it closes a lot of the questions the show left unanswered, focusing mostly on what happened to River. It's difficult to figure out what an audience that didn't see the TV show will make of it because it may seem that the information provided about some of the characters is very superficial, since there are so many. At the beginning of the show I didn't like Jayne, for example, but later on he became one of my favorites. An from just the movie it's impossible to tell what the relationship between Zoe and Wash is like so it may seem that she is just cold or something. Anyway, the point is, if you're thinking about watching the movie, see the show first. It'll be more fun that way :) ^ Top

07.10.2004 (fri) I went for my postpartum check-up today. It seems I've healed OK, the uterus is back to its normal size, so everything is going well, physically. Now I just have to wait till my head catches up. Later my in-laws dropped by to give us flu shots. It's probably a bit late now, since we've already been sick, but we did it anyway. I felt really on edge the whole day because, in a way, this felt like the end of the process - it's been a month since the baby died and I had to go back to the doctor's office and do the ultrasound and there's nothing in there now. I didn't make a big deal out of it but I was feeling a bit more fragile than usual because of it. It's saying that this is really over and now I have to go on with my life and start all over again or give up forever. Two years of my life spent trying to achieve a goal and nothing to show for it. ^ Top

09.10.2004 (sun) We got up late and went out to lunch. I had a slight panic attack when I realised that we were going to a restaurant where I've been while I was pregnant and was afraid the waitress would ask about what happened. She didn't - probably because she had already been told. It's still the worst thing - to go somewhere or meet someone we haven't seen yet and knows about the pregnancy but not the results. It's the worst thing in the world right now to think the question is coming and you have to answer. I spent most of the afternoon watching TV and still feeling nervous, even though I had no reason to. At night I started reading 'Learning Perl'. I decided to give it a shot and try to learn. I couldn't understand any of it at first but P. helped me out a lot and I started to get the logic of the basic stuff. It's going to take a very long time but I'm hoping to be able to pick up at least a bit of it. Like learning a new language I know it will take years so we'll see if I can stay motivated. My brother offered to teach me but I want to try and learn a little bit of the basics before accepting his offer because I think I'm going to be a slow learner. I have an IQ of about 135, which is far from genius but it's not complete idiot either, so I usually manage to pick up rather quickly on whatever it is. But for some things it's like my brain shuts down and refuses to get it. I have to force myself to go over it again and again until I get it. That's mainly because if there's one little thing about the problem that I can't see the logic of, I can't move on. Still, with a little help I usually get there in the end. I just don't expect to become very good at it. ^ Top

10.10.2005 (mon) I knew today was going to be difficult but I didn't think I'd have to fight myself so much. I was completely unable to get up this morning. Well, that's not entirely true - I got up at 9 cause P. was looking for an umbrella and couldn't find one. I did my job as official finder (but by the time I found the umbrella he didn't want it anymore) and then went back to bed. I had spent the night having these dreams that can only mean one thing: I think it's time for a change. I dreamt about stuff that happened when I was a child and when I woke up I realised how those things changed and molded me. And in these dreams the message was clear: I have to stop being submissive and worrying so much about what other people think. I have to fight the impulses to do stuff out of a misguided sense of duty or obligation. Somehow that seemed to turn into fighting with myself about getting out of bed this morning. I kept looking at the time (projected on the ceiling) about every ten minutes and thinking 'it's getting late, I have to get up'. And then some rebellious side of me would take over and refuse to go. I started feeling tired and would fall asleep again. After some time it was getting ridiculous - I was thirsty and hungry and I still couldn't get up. I tried turning the light on around 11 to see if that would help wake me up and it didn't. I didn't manage to get out of bed till 1 PM. I know this sounds completely stupid and nothing but 'you big fat lazy cow' but to me it was sort of a victory in a way. I was able to fight this panic feeling I normally get where I start thinking that people are going to call or ring the bell or that there's some work that needs to be done and I fear I don't know about it and it makes me get up and stay on edge the whole day. To be able to fight that for one day, to just say 'I don't care, today I'm going to do what I want' is quite an accomplishment for me. Especially on a monday. I dread mondays and I don't even know why. Today was especially bad because it's the day I'm officially supposed to go back to work. Since my work depends on whether or not I have clients and requests that doesn't matter much - I have to look for work if I want to work - but it means that my month is up, I'm supposed to be healed and ready to face the world. Except I'm not. And so there's this struggle between doing what I think I'm expected to do, which is to go back to the routine, start finding new clients and stop whinnying, or accept that I'm not ready and take it easy and do only what I feel I'm ready to do. I have a full page list of things I want to do now that are fairly stress-free, so it's not like I'm planning on sleeping all day or spending all afternoon watching TV. I just have to convince myself it's OK to do them since it means no new income for a few months. Why do I have to be so complicated? At 3 PM I went out to take care of a few things like paying taxes and buying vitamins, and then spent some time organising paperwork before reading a bit more of the Perl book. Unfortunately, the more complicated it gets the more doubts I have. Around 7.30 PM, while I was just browsing some websites, my monitor died. It just made a noise, the image flickered and disapeared. I turned the computer off and then tried turning the monitor on again but it just made a noise like it was trying to turn something on and couldn't. I gave up before the damn thing blew up in my face (something computer monitors are known to do). P. was on his way home at the time and we had to do some shopping (why do we always go shopping on monday anyway?) so we bought a Samsung flat screen. I've wanted one for ages cause the normal screens take up too much space, but they were too expensive before. But we got a 19" for a decent price, so that was OK. When we turned it on it was full of vertical lines and P. started to fear it wasn't working properly (since we've had such bad luck with equipment in the past) but it just needed a settings adjustment and it's working fine so far. ^ Top

11.10.2005 (tue) I've been learning a lot about myself lately. I guess sometimes it takes a kick in the face to make you see more clearly. I guess I'm evaluating what really matters and realising I've spent most of my life worried about stuff that doesn't (matter, I mean). Like with drawing. I think I've been convinced that I can't draw simply because I've been told I can't or because the kind of drawing I like doing is considered childish or not serious enough. I think I've cared too much about what other people think, in this and other matters, and let that influence what I do or don't do. How stupid is that? I don't do stuff perfectly but a lot of things, like drawing, just need a bit more work to turn out like I want them to. Sure, it will never be good enough by some people's standards but that's not what matters to me. What matters is that it looks like it does in my head. I know I've said before that the only thing that hasn't been tainted by outside influence is the music I do and that's just because I only started when I was in my 20s and also because I don't know people who make music (apart from P.'s uncle and I don't see him very often). I'm sure that if I had grown up in a family with people who were more musically inclined and who kept criticising my attempts, I would have given that up as well. But it's very freeing to be able to not care. I don't know if it will last but I intend to enjoy it while it does. The attempt at learning Perl, however, is not going so well. I'm still only on the first chapter and feel completely lost. I understand what they're saying and what the example program is supposed to do but I don't understand exactly what each of the components means. It's very much like learning to speak a sentence in a foreign language without knowing what each of the words mean. It just doesn't work. I'm hoping they'll get to that eventually but it seems like a backwards way of getting to things. Oh well, I just have to be patient and see. After going to the bank I exercised for a bit. The enthusiasm about exercising is starting to fade. It always does, after a while. I never liked exercising and when it becomes the same thing every day it starts being just another chore. This time it started to be painful when I raised the difficulty level. I was slowly getting used to it and now it's like going back to the beginning where it hurts again so I feel like quitting. I could go back to the starting level but after a while it becomes pointless. For now I'm sticking with it, even though I don't really feel like doing it, and see what happens. If I end up quitting (meaning I realise a whole week has gone by with no exercise) then I'll go back to the easy level and start over. All this brought back a conversation I had with P. last night when I was explaining about yesterday morning and he asked me if I thought I was two people. Apparently the way I was talking was sounding a bit schizophrenic to him. But it's actually perfectly normal. Freud explained it a long time ago as the eternal struggle between the Id and the Superego (or if you want to use the cartoon imagery, the angel and the devil sitting on your shoulders). My superego usually has the final word, meaning I'm a fairly repressed and anxious individual, but now I'm trying to say 'screw the rules' a bit in order to become slightly more balanced. Lets hope it works. It's about time anyway. What I mean is that I have to fight myself in order to get anything done. Either because it's easier not to do it when it's difficult (no point in inflicting pain on yourself, might as well just take it easy or stay in bed or do it later) or the opposite happens, when I have to force myself to relax and enjoy things (I should be worried about work or other people or whatever or maybe there's something really important I forgot to do, causing anxiety). I just wish I didn't actually realise these processes were going on. ^ Top

12.10.2005 (wed) I went to the dentist again this afternoon. It seems the tooth that I've been trying to get fixed for over 3 months is now beyond repair. Meaning the dentist patched it up once again and I have to go back in January to put in a cap - a fairly expensive procedure. Damn! I really have no luck at all lately. And that reminds me of a sentence I've been hearing a lot lately for some reason: 'I'd rather be lucky than good'. I know what you mean, buddy. When I got back there was an email from a client with work to be done and a possible expansion of the website. My first response was to panic because I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with this sort of thing yet, but then I re-evaluated the request and felt that it was in my best interest to research what he asked because I need to find a way to keep the company going. After looking around some websites I may have found the way out of at least some of the problems. We'll see. ^ Top

13.10.2005 (thu) Last night P. and I stayed up late talking. I think it was good and important that we did that because I think we're both pretending to be better than we actually are. All it takes is to peel back the first layer to see everything is still very raw inside. But now, for me anyway, instead of spending the whole days crying I just have this anxiety that I can't entirely place and that I keep fighting with no results. Today it's even more obvious than it was yesterday. I tried not giving into it but I ended up falling into some of the old patterns - I started working before having breakfast and had to force myself to stop after and hour or two and go eat something. Half an hour later I was back and have been working non-stop ever since. This was actually my first complete work day (but then I only started on monday). So far I had only done internal stuff. But today I had quotes and html to do and it kept me busy and I think it helped me to feel like I have a purpose and just get on with things because it wasn't anything stressful. I still don't feel completely ready to do this everyday - especially the part where I have to deal with clients and go to meetings - but starting slowly with simple stuff is probably a good idea. My problem is if I start putting too much pressure on myself right away (something I tend to do). Let's hope I can continue to keep things under control. ^ Top

14.10.2005 (fri) I'm a very confused individual. For the last month, apart from everything else, I've been telling myself that I was worried about work - if I felt I was ready to go back to work, if I should get a different job, if I would feel completely worthless if I didn't work and so on. Now, at the end of my first week back to work I already have a new project to keep me busy for the next month and so a lot of those issues became irrelevant. But I'm still panicking. Part of the panic comes from the fact that some of the work is stuff i've never done before but that shouldn't be a problem. It may not be easy and it may take a little time but I know I'll be able to fix the problems in the end. That's how my mind normally works anyway - it takes the problem and turns it over till it comes up with a solution. It usually happens while I'm sleeping so that when I wake up in the morning I have the answer. My problem is that I can't seem to be able to switch between modes - I'm either working and so I'm worried about that 24/7 or I'm not working and, even though I get to do other things, things that I like to do, I feel completely useless. How do I learn to find some middle ground? To quit at the end of the day and not worry again until I've had my breakfast and done my daily exercise? I just don't know. Before I worked from home I could do that. The simple fact that I was leaving the building gave the signal to stop. Now it's more complicated. Sometimes at 10 PM I'm still replying to some client's email or trying to figure out something I need for next day. Especially if I need P.'s help or opinion. And the poor guy just got back from a day at the office and still has to put up with my crap. Maybe I do need therapy... Well, at least I did exercise today. I didn't manage to go past the half hour mark though. Even though all I've said above is true, I know that most of the stress is not coming from work at all but from the fact that I'm still dealing with the aftermath of losing my child. Even though I've started being able to deal with people and acting fairly normal for most of the time, it's still under there. On occasion, when I'm not doing anything, it comes back and it's unbearable. And these occasions tend to be when I'm going to bed and when I'm exercising and have to stop and rest between sets. My mind becomes empty for a moment and then it gets flooded with everything I've been trying to hold back. I think this has been a particularly tough week because P. went back to work so I had to readjust to being alone again, and having to start dealing with clients again made the whole thing just a bit more stressful than I felt I could handle. I'm trying really hard not to care so much and I keep telling myself to stop it whenever I feel the anxiety taking over, but it still comes. I can fight it but can't prevent it. At night we went out to buy the new Asterix book and then had dinner with my brother. His girlfriend Ana had to work till 1 AM so it was just the three of us and his dog. She's a really cute dog but was completely hyper :) Since when I left home I thought we were just going to buy the book and would be back soon, I didn't bother much with what I was wearing, which wasn't warm enough for being outside. but since we ended up going to dinner and sat outside the restaurant because of the dog, I fear I may get sick from all the chilly wind on my legs. I like cold weather but only when I'm dressed for it. ^ Top

14.10.2005 (fri) I'm a very confused individual. For the last month, apart from everything else, I've been telling myself that I was worried about work - if I felt I was ready to go back to work, if I should get a different job, if I would feel completely worthless if I didn't work and so on. Now, at the end of my first week back to work I already have a new project to keep me busy for the next month and so a lot of those issues became irrelevant. But I'm still panicking. Part of the panic comes from the fact that some of the work is stuff i've never done before but that shouldn't be a problem. It may not be easy and it may take a little time but I know I'll be able to fix the problems in the end. That's how my mind normally works anyway - it takes the problem and turns it over till it comes up with a solution. It usually happens while I'm sleeping so that when I wake up in the morning I have the answer. My problem is that I can't seem to be able to switch between modes - I'm either working and so I'm worried about that 24/7 or I'm not working and, even though I get to do other things, things that I like to do, I feel completely useless. How do I learn to find some middle ground? To quit at the end of the day and not worry again until I've had my breakfast and done my daily exercise? I just don't know. Before I worked from home I could do that. The simple fact that I was leaving the building gave the signal to stop. Now it's more complicated. Sometimes at 10 PM I'm still replying to some client's email or trying to figure out something I need for next day. Especially if I need P.'s help or opinion. And the poor guy just got back from a day at the office and still has to put up with my crap. Maybe I do need therapy... Well, at least I did exercise today. I didn't manage to go past the half hour mark though. Even though all I've said above is true, I know that most of the stress is not coming from work at all but from the fact that I'm still dealing with the aftermath of losing my child. Even though I've started being able to deal with people and acting fairly normal for most of the time, it's still under there. On occasion, when I'm not doing anything, it comes back and it's unbearable. And these occasions tend to be when I'm going to bed and when I'm exercising and have to stop and rest between sets. My mind becomes empty for a moment and then it gets flooded with everything I've been trying to hold back. I think this has been a particularly tough week because P. went back to work so I had to readjust to being alone again, and having to start dealing with clients again made the whole thing just a bit more stressful than I felt I could handle. I'm trying really hard not to care so much and I keep telling myself to stop it whenever I feel the anxiety taking over, but it still comes. I can fight it but can't prevent it. At night we went out to buy the new Asterix book and then had dinner with my brother. His girlfriend Ana had to work till 1 AM so it was just the three of us and his dog. She's a really cute dog but was completely hyper :) Since when I left home I thought we were just going to buy the book and would be back soon, I didn't bother much with what I was wearing, which wasn't warm enough for being outside. but since we ended up going to dinner and sat outside the restaurant because of the dog, I fear I may get sick from all the chilly wind on my legs. I like cold weather but only when I'm dressed for it. ^ Top

19.10.2005 (wed) I haven't felt like writing anything for days. I guess it's because I feel like I'm just repeating myself now. At first writing was important because I needed to put my thoughts and feelings in order, but now it's the same mess everyday and there's nothing I can do but wait for each day to end. I've been trying very hard to not let the fear own me and I feel I'm starting to succeed. But I may be falling into a false sense of security because there hasn't been anything to deal with for the past couple of days and as soon as something pops up I may go back to the same familiar panic where I just feel like running around with my hands over my ears screaming 'the world is going to end'. I feel like the space surrounding me is full of motion sensor triggered alarms and so I can't even breathe too freely or I'll set one off. I don't know why I feel this way but it's really difficult to make it stop. But, as before I would let it take over, now I'm fighting it. It's exhausting and I feel like I keep telling myself how stupid I am for behaving this way. I never imagined not caring would be so much work. I just hope it works. I've been recovering from a cold since saturday. The throat doesn't hurt anymore but I still can't breathe properly. I hate my nose. It never works as it should, even when I'm not sick. After the computer screen, now it was my printer that broke down. Apparently it's very common for HP printers to break like this - there's a little plastic piece that wears down and it almost more expensive to fix it than to buy a new one. Even the costumer service at HP tell people it's not worth fixing it. Bastards. I'm never buying anything from them again, that's for sure. But now I have invoices to print out and no printer. No car either because it's being fixed AGAIN. We'll be bankrupt because of that car. I started watching 'The Village' again but, like everything else, I now see it through new eyes. I know experiences change people but I don't feel just changed. I feel like a completely different person lately. I suppose the fact that the movie is about loss and figuring out if the choices you make to escape it are actually worth it, hit me a lot harder this time around. After all, it starts with a man burying his 7 year old son and I can't watch these things anymore without feeling connected to it somehow. Before it was just something in a movie. Something that happens to people and that I had no emotional connection to in any way. Now, I know exactly how it feels and I can't distance myself. I have to stop writing now. I'm starting to cry again and my mother's coming over so I have to try and look normal. Will this ever stop? ^ Top

24.10.2005 (mon) Last night I made a daily schedule so that I can stop getting up in a panic, sitting at the computer right away and not stop till I realise I didn't eat anything yet and it's now lunchtime. I planned the day so that I eat, exercise, shower and only then get to work. Today I was able to keep it in the morning but as soon as I got to work it ended there. What I'm doing right now is terribly complicated and I feel completely stupid doing it, like I don't have the brain power for it. P. keeps saying he thinks I'm doing great but it's so frustrating not being able to finish a single page in one day. There's so much work to be done that to lose two days with a single template makes me think I'll never be able to get this done on time. I stopped around 8 PM because I was so tired by then I was starting to make mistakes and ruin the work I had already done. When P. got home we had dinner and watched an episode of Six Feet Under. Somehow I feel that maybe it isn't a good idea to be watching a show about dead people, especially one this good, where you can actually relate to what some of these characters are going through. But it doesn't take this show to remind us. Anything can have that effect, really. That was proven by what we tried doing next. We had decided to start playing together again. We used to do this some time back and then stopped for no reason. It's how it always happens. Since you don't make a decision to give up you only notice you have when some time has passed. Unfortunately, one of the songs we used to do is something called 'Another Day' by Roy Harper, probably best know because of a version done by This Mortal Coil, that has the line 'I'm feeling so sad that I never had one of your children'. If I already found it depressing before, now I can't even think about that song without breaking down. I thought I could handle it but I couldn't. I have no control. So we stopped playing. I guess we're going to have to find new songs to play. ^ Top

25.10.2005 (tue) I planned on getting up at 8 so I'd have more time in the morning but I woke up feeling that there really is no point. Yesterday was a really bad day and there were a few times last night when I just felt like I couldn't stop crying. This morning I woke up from a dream where I was back from this trip and had lost the bag that had all the photographs I'd taken. I know what this means because I've felt it before. I regret that I don't have a single picture of my baby. And I know that is really twisted because I never got to see him alive. I only saw him once and he was dead and to take a picture of that would be too weird. We tend to photograph the happy moments, not the sad ones, but I just wish I had something to prove that he existed, something to show me what he looked like, something more than my flawed memory. And now it's too late. At the time it didn't even cross my mind to do that because I thought I'd just want to forget. But this isn't something I can forget and I'll never be able to replace what I lost. Unlike losing an elderly family member where you feel sad but know it was their time to go and have to accept it, or losing an old pet where you can at least feel that you gave it the best life possible and did all you could, this is just too unnatural and there isn't an upside to it. There isn't a single positive spin I can put on it. I never thought I was capable of being depressed but I'm starting to have my doubts. I know it hasn't been very long yet - less than two months - and that the wounds are still fresh, and that as long as my body continues to change and to remind me of what I went through I haven't got a chance. But apart from all that I've been losing hope. I stopped believing anything will be able to make it better. I was holding on to the cliche that things get better in time but I don't see it. I feel like I'm slipping and that everyday is darker than the previous one. I feel I have nothing to live for. And because I'm still a rational being, I know it's not true. I've got more than most people and I shouldn't even have the right to complain. I've got a job and a place to live and a wonderful husband, but what I know and what I feel are two completely different things and I can't seem to bring them together. ^ Top

29.10.2005 (sab) O meu irmão mudou de casa hoje. Mudou-se de um apartamento para uma vivenda de dois andares com um pequeno jardim. Gostei bastante da casa, apesar dos quartos serem pequenos. Mas tem bastante arrumação, uma garagem grande e um aspecto simpático. Aquelas coisas que costumam ser feiosas, estilo os armários da cozinha e os azulejos, até são giros e assim não precisam de se preocupar com fazer obras tão cedo. O único inconveniente será a escada, que tem uma trave demasiado baixa. Acho que não deve ser muito agradável bater ali com a cabeça quando se desce as escadas de manhã ainda com sono. Fomos ajudar a levar algumas coisas que já não cabiam na carrinha de mudanças e depois estivemos na casa nova a limpar os armários da cozinha, arrumar loiça, montar a estante da sala, etc. O Pedro estava com uma dor de cabeça brutal por causa do pescoço mas ainda aguentou montes de tempo. A parte mais incómoda foi quando chegaram os pais da Ana, que eu ainda não conhecia. Foram muito simpáticos mas o pai da Ana abriu a conversa logo a perguntar-me como é que eu estava a lidar com a situação. Sinceramente ainda me custa a habituar ao facto de que pessoas que eu nunca vi antes possam saber o que se passou e quando me perguntam coisas do estilo de repente, sem eu estar preparada, é um choque maior do que estava à espera. Especialmente porque estava a tentar ter um dia normal, estar ocupada, etc, e por momentos até me tinha conseguido sentir como se estivesse tudo bem. Por volta das cinco e meia já não podiamos fazer grande coisa e o Pedro continuava cheio de dores, por isso fomos embora. Ele queria ir logo para casa tomar um comprimido, mas como tinhamos prometido passar por casa dos meus sogros, resolvemos ir lá primeiro e depois ir finalmente para casa descansar. Os tios do Pedro estavam todos lá e antes de entrarmos tive novamente aquele aperto típico que tenho sempre que vou ver alguém com quem não falo desde Agosto. Mas ninguém disse nada, felizmente. Sei que há muitas pessoas que passam por coisas destas e acham que as outras pessoas, ao se comportarem como se não fosse nada, estão a desrespeitar os seus sentimento, mas eu não penso isso. É muito pior para mim ter que falar no assunto do que tentar comportar-me normalmente. Especialmente porque não há nada que ninguém possa dizer que faça diferença, que me faça sentir melhor. Fizemos então a nossa visita sem incidentes. Os meus sogros tinham comprado mobilia nova para o quarto, no IKEA. Custa-me a acreditar que consigam enfiar um roupeiro e 3 cómodas naquele quarto, mas conseguiram :) O quarto ficou muito giro, com as cortinas e a colcha em vermelho e móveis mais claros. Móveis escuros em apartamentos é uma coisa que nunca gostei. Acho que só fica bem em grandes palacetes :) ^ Top

31.10.2005 (seg) Depois de um dia particularmente mau, estava a tentar acalmar-me tomando um banho de espuma quando tocaram à porta. Ao segundo ou terceiro toque o Pedro foi ver quem era. Veio dizer-me com um ar incrédulo que eram miúdos mascarados numa de 'trick or treat'. Realmente já tinha reparado que o Halloween à americana estava a pegar por cá. Aliás, aquilo que me espanta é que tenha demorado tanto tempo. Nada como um dia com máscaras e doces para fazer delirar as crianças. Mas aquilo que me fez confusão foi: então e os pais deixam os filhos pequenos andar sozinhos a bater de porta em porta? Sem vigiar? Será que as pessoas ainda são assim tão crédulas? Eu sei que ultimamente tenho os instintos maternais um bocado fortes e é natural que isto seja a primeira coisa que me passa pela cabeça, mas faz-me um bocado de confusão. A data em si, algo que não interessa aos miúdos, é uma grande mistura de coisas. Aparentemente começou com a celebração do fim do inverno pelos celtas e a história das máscaras vem então da crença de que na noite antes da transição entre o inverno e o verão havia uma sobreposição entre a dimensão dos vivos e dos mortos. Eles mascaravam-se para evitar serem possuidos pelo espirito dos mortos. Ou seja, disfarçavam-se de fantasmas numa de 'eu sou um dos vossos, deixem-me em paz'. O facto de termos um feriado religioso no dia 1 não é coincidência - tal como a maioria dos feriados religiosos, coincidem com datas pagãs importantes, como forma de fazer a conversão mais simples. As pessoas continuavam a celebrar a mesma data mas chamavam-lhe outra coisa até que ao fim de umas gerações apenas a data cristã persistir. É um truque muito eficaz. Acho que estas datas deviam ter mais piada quando ainda tinham algum significado, quando eram mais do que decorativos. Mas no fundo, a culpa é toda dos ingleses e irlandeses. ^ Top